Hot passionate nights spent tangled in bedsheets. Explosive pleasure. As the words flow confidently off of your eager tongue, you whisper sexy dirty talk into your lover’s ear...telling them exactly how and where you want it. You are an unstoppable hedonistic sex machine that can feel comfortable in any situation. The world is yours for the taking.
Well, it sound so good in theory.
But for many of us, when we go to unleash some delightful dirty talk, we find ourselves freezing up and stumbling. Our words do not flow with ease. We feel that we sound silly and so swallow our dirty talk. The time is spent in silence punctuated by some moans and gasping, but certainly not any communication. Without dirty talk, our partners are left trying to guess what is working and what is not by reading our body language and hoping for the best.
So, how do we conquer the art of dirty talk and take our bedroom game to the next level? The answer, naturally, involves talking.
Often, trying to unleash some impromptu dirty talk mid romp can fall flat or feel awkward. That sexy sentence or command doesn’t soar like a bird but rather crashes into a window and lies limply on the ground, killing the mood. There are a number of reasons for this.
Without talking, you do not know if there are certain words or phrases that your partner finds the opposite of sexy. While one can roll the dice, throw out some dirty talk mid session and just hope for the best, things can go awry. You do not know if a certain command or request is something on their “no” list. You do not know if one of your favorite fantasies dries them up like a dessert whenever you try and share it. If calling them a “filthy three hole whore” or asking that you be referred to as “Daddy” isn’t what turns them on, the sexy is going to leak out of that room like a dying balloon.
I am a huge believer in breaking down events after the fact. Once I am lying in sweaty post orgasmic glow, brains slightly mushy and barriers lowered, I find that discussing things is much easier. Pillow talk breakdown is one of my favorite things. “Did you like it when I did that?” “What is your biggest turn on?” “What is your favorite thing to be called?” “What is your hottest unexplored fantasy?” Think of it as naked data collecting. Everyone is in a relaxed state and honesty is right at the surface.
Once I have collected this data, incorporating it into the next session is significantly easier. The better you get to know someone, the smoother the dirty talk will flow. Now obviously this technique doesn’t work for one night stands or pick up/swinging play, but fear not, there are ways to increase your dirty talk skills even without the pillow talk breakdown.
One of my favorite ways to pick up good confident dialogue is to watch movies or read erotica and pay attention to what words or phrases really turn me on. The more I get to know myself and my turn-ons, the better in the bedroom I become. Once I find something that works for me, I will go so far as taking the time to practice it out loud by myself before any bedroom romps begin. While it may seem like overkill to some, I take my sexual homework very seriously. The more time and effort I put into the event, the greater I find the reward payoff to be.
Maybe saying dirty talk out loud to yourself in the bathroom mirror is too much for you, and that is perfectly fine. Practice it in your head while you are turned on and feeling sexy. Does a low growl or throaty whisper work better for you? Whatever you want to say, the key is to say it with conviction and confidence. And yes, it does get easier as time goes on. Confidence is like a muscle. It grows as you use it.
And hey, not every time has to be a highly verbal night of dirty talk. Even if you have now mastered the art of sexy talkings, it is perfectly okay to do sessions were the only words are muttered moans and gasps. Let the energy of the night dictate the mood. There is no right or wrong way to do things, there is only what works for you and your partners. Now get out there and get that tongue of yours to work.
Try our Dirty Talk Mad Lib for starters:
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Rain DeGrey is an international educator, writer, presenter and performer that has been teaching kink and sex education classes since 2009. After getting her start as a fetish model and Pro Domme, she was motivated to branch out into education, something she is extremely passionate about. Demystifying sexuality and presenting in a clear and humorous way are trademarks of her teaching style and she believes strongly in making sex education fun.
She has taught on a wide variety of topics at Harvard, Northwestern University, Kink.com, The Citadel, Pure Pleasures, Stormy Leather, Folsom Fringe, The Looking Glass, KinkAcadamy, PassionateU, Mission Control and Boundcon in Germany. Her work has been featured in such places as Playboy TV’s “69 sexiest things to do before you die”, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, The SF Fetish Ball, Exotic Erotic, Rope::Burn, Kink-e-zine and Femina Potens. Additionally, she is a regular contributor to multiple online magazines.