Sometimes you are aware of it for as long as you can remember. Other times, it can sneak up on you when you are not even paying attention. But whether you take the fast track or a winding path, here you are now: you are kinky. Vanilla simply does not cut it for you. The white picket fence and some reliable old missionary in and out doesn't even register a tick on the excitement meter. What are you to do with these...darker urges of yours? 

Fear not my friend. There has never been a better time in human history to explore your sexuality than in our current day and age. From books like “50 Shades of Grey” to tv shows like “Polyamory: Married & Dating” to the legalization of gay marriage, people are exploring their sexuality in ways that would be inconceivable just a few generations ago.

The truth is, having so called “kinky” urges is not all that uncommon. A report by the Kinsey Institute found that 5 to 10 percent of the United States population engages in sadomasochism on a semi-regular basis and a survey conducted by Durex condoms found that 36 percent of people have tried blindfolds, masks, and bondage.

The great news is that you are not alone. There are plenty of other people out there experiencing these same urges and thoughts. All you have to do is meet them. So how exactly does one get started on their kinky journey? It all comes down to two things: education and communication. And lots of it.

The greatest resource for knowledge we have is right at our fingertips: the internet. It isn't like the old days when you had to track down some bookstore in a questionable part of town, buy some kept-behind-the-counter magazines, and hopefully find some leads. Gone is the isolation of not being able to find your fellow kinksters. We are in a brave new world, and that world is located in your laptop.

While websites come and go over the years, has been around since 2008 and currently clocks in with over 5 million members. In terms of classes, events, information, discussion groups, and play parties, Fetlife currently has no equal. Although Facebook is a much less kink friendly site, if one pokes around hard enough, you can find some kink based events, groups, and other leads. However, due to the lack of privacy on Facebook, be cautious with your activity as it can be very easy for friends and family to see what you are attempting to explore.

At this point almost every major city is going to have some sort of kink scene and a local dungeon or club. All you have to do is locate it. In cities like San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York, the dungeons and clubs are more highly visible and can easily be found with a simple Internet search. In more conservative locations, however, it might take some more determined sleuthing. The events ARE out there, just smaller and more low profile.

However, the best magic isn't located in your computer. One can do all the research they want, but at some point you have to actually leave the house and go meet your fellow kinksters face to face. The concept can be downright terrifying to some, but if you manage to get through the fear there is a wonderland waiting for you with open arms on the other side.

Classes are a great low pressure way for newbies to get started as everyone is wearing all of their clothes, nobody is getting spanked in assless chaps while wearing bunny ears on their head, and everyone there has the same interest in common. Search for clubs and sex shops/bookstores in your area, as many sex shops and bookstores now host classes on a wide variety of topics.

Another way to get started is to locate your local munch. Munches are a mellow way to meet other kinksters with the same interests in a vanilla setting, while sharing a meal and some light conversation. Munches are held in restaurants and, more rarely, bars. Munches with alcohol are called wet munches; but due to the importance of having a clear and level head when it comes to exploring this lifestyle, it is best not to mix alcohol with your search, even if some drinks seems like the perfect thing to take the edge off. If the area you live in does not have a munch, why not consider starting up your own?

If the first step on your kinky journey is education, the second step is communication. A very common thing that happens when someone first enters the lifestyle is sub frenzy, or kink frenzy. After a lifetime spent denying and repressing one’s desires, coming out of the closet can send some folks into a sensation seeking spiral where they want to DO ALL THE THINGS!!! With all of the people and all of the toys!! Right now!! Newbies can run rampant like a kid in a candy store stuffing their face with every sweet that they have always craved.

This sort of behavior can have consequences, and those consequences can range from inconvenient to downright dangerous. Part of the appeal of kink is the concept of danger; it is like strapping yourself into a roller coaster and going for a ride. We all want the rush, but nobody wants the roller coaster to go off the rails.

Go slow. Take your time. Talk things over and then talk things over some more. Communicate until you are blue in the face. Know exactly what it is you want. If you don't know what that is yet, take the time to sit down with yourself and figure out what that is. Don't agree to situations or circumstances that are not what you are seeking.

When you are finally ready to meet up with someone for the first time, do not rush out of the door to the address provided, all bright eyed & flush with desire. Make sure someone knows EXACTLY where you are and who you are meeting up with. Establish a reasonable time slot before they should expect to hear from you; and always make sure that the person you are meeting with knows you have a safety call in place! If you do not have someone to do a safety call for you, there are a multitude of safety apps one can download. Most of them are even free!

The fantasy is, when you finally meet that perfect person (or persons), no communication is necessary. They just look into your eyes and can read your mind and everything flows effortlessly. Fantasy is just that - fantasy. We live in the real world and our partners are never going to be mind readers. They are humans, just like us, and without communication they are never going to be able to know exactly what it is you want and need.

There are guaranteed to be some bumps on the road of your own personal kinky journey, but with heaping servings of education and communication, those bumps can be minimized.

The thing is, we only have a limited amount of time on this planet and every second that passes is one that you are never getting back. What is holding you back from exploring your interests and passions? Fear? Guilt? Shame? Those are useless and toxic emotions that do not serve you in any way. Drop them by the wayside. Once you have dropped the baggage of shame, the time of your life is waiting for you. Go out and seize it!

A word of warning however: this stuff can be addictive and your toy collection will just keep growing. You will want ALL of the things. Before you know it, it will take you a suitcase of supplies just to have sex. I should know. I currently have two suitcases of supplies to my name.

© Tantus, Inc. 2016. All Rights Reserved. 

Rain DeGrey is an international educator, writer, presenter and performer that has been teaching kink and sex education classes since 2009. After getting her start as a fetish model and Pro Domme, she was motivated to branch out into education, something she is extremely passionate about. Demystifying sexuality and presenting in a clear and humorous way are trademarks of her teaching style and she believes strongly in making sex education fun.

She has taught on a wide variety of topics at Harvard, Northwestern University,, The Citadel, Pure Pleasures, Stormy Leather, Folsom Fringe, The Looking Glass, KinkAcadamy, PassionateU, Mission Control and Boundcon in Germany. Her work has been featured in such places as Playboy TV’s “69 sexiest things to do before you die”, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, The SF Fetish Ball, Exotic Erotic, Rope::Burn, Kink-e-zine and Femina Potens. Additionally, she is a regular contributor to multiple online magazines.

Twitter: @raindegrey
Facebook: @raindegrey
FetLife: Rain DeGrey

Leave a comment