BENDING OVER | Metis Black

March 11, 2016

Pegging traditionally involved a woman bending over a man and penetrating him with a strap-on toy. We recognize now, of course, that anyone can participate in anal strap-on sex regardless of sex and gender.

Whether you do it for the sensation or the power play or both, pegging can be safe, comfortable, rewarding, and absolutely amazing because it is an intimate act of trust. This is especially true the first few attempts, and I’ll walk you through how to get there.


The first step in a pegging encounter is communication and negotiation. This could be the easiest sexual negotiation you’ve ever had, or it could be the hardest. They may totally enjoy a finger in their butt during oral sex, but reluctant to go further - and that’s ok. Boundaries are boundaries, and talking about it may help but ultimately “No” means “No.”

One of the fears even discussing pegging may bring into a relationship is the thought that they could be gay. This goes both ways. I’ve heard from a guy that his talking and fantasizing about his fiancé wearing a strap-on broke off their engagement and ended their relationship. 
Beware, this first communication may seem to go nowhere-  but days, weeks or months later be brought back up by your partner with enthusiasm and an eagerness to begin.


Strap-on sex takes a little accessorizing. You need to have a few things at the ready. 
I suggest:

  • A hand towel near the bed
  • Plenty of personal lube
  • A Harness
  • Multiple dildos, or harness compatible vibrators
  • Condoms


When you’re dealing with the butt, you need to make sure everyone is comfortable with the potential over-pour of lube (which will definitely happen), and potential residue of poop, which when mixed with the lube, may become a little frothy, or may come out as a little crumb on the sex toy. Let’s face it, having a towel at the ready is smart regardless of what sex act you’re planning.


Personal lube is always important when playing with the ass, since the ass isn’t self-lubricating for anything more than the poop leaving. With strap-on play it becomes even more important because the in-and-out motion creates friction and your synthetic penis doesn’t have any nerve endings to let you know when your partner is dry. You can’t use too much lube or reapply it too many times.

I like a thicker, more viscous, water based lube for anal sex. Lube sticks to the walls of the rectum when it’s thick, and creates a protective cushion. Some people prefer silicone lubricant. Because of the cell structure of silicone particles, they cushion like ball bearings as they roll one over the other, making silicone lubricant amazing for consistently slick, smooth  anal sex.

If using a silicone lubricant, you may be limited on silicone toys  because lesser quality silicone lubricant will bond with a silicone toy. To test your silicone toy, do a patch test. Rub a little lube on the base of the toy. If bonding occurs it will happen quickly and the lubricant will become gummy. If it does, the toy and the lubricant are incompatible.


A harness may be the single sex toy you own that you choose not just for what it features but how incredibly sexy you feel in it. A harness should be bought like lingerie; it should make you feel sexy, powerful, and desirable.

There are two styles of harnesses: one strap and two straps. The one strap is like a pair of panties. You either step into it (must be sized to you accurately), or buckle or Velcro™ the sides snug with the strap right between your legs. The two strap version has two thinner straps that are adjustable and fit around the sides of your ass, framing your butt cheeks, up to your hip bones.  Two straps have been referred to as being like crotchless panties. Two strap harnesses are the perfect choice if you might want to switch sexual positions and let your penetrate you.

A harness needs to fit snugly around your pelvis so that the dildo is right against your skin. Thick hip straps won’t cut into your soft skin, plus the thicker they are the more they accentuate the curves of the body. 10 years ago it was very difficult to find a harness to fit a plus sized body, or even a full figured one. Today we have more options and they’re looking better and better.

The look of your harness can be your statement of style. You may choose a soft velvet harness, or become a dirty nurse; choose something basic and black or gender bending, an Amazon or a Black Widow. The important thing is that you feel sexy and comfortable in it. After a few years, you may find you have a drawer full of fantastic harnesses to choose from.


Dildos and harness-compatible vibrators come in all different sizes, colors and styles. I suggest starting with a smaller toy, especially the first time, and keeping a medium or larger toy at the ready. When I first put a Beginner Kit  together for Tantus, I chose a small and medium Silk (.8 and 1 inch diameter respectively). The smooth arched toys are easy to slide in, and they aren’t distracting with texture. Another toy I love for pegging is Leisure, a longer, smooth vibrator with a harness compatible base. If you have a little extra pouch, you may want that extra length, and vibration in the butt is incredible. Remember there are more nerve endings in the ass than on any other part of a human body other than a clitoris. Texture and width can be amazing sensations when they're warmed up, but those are personal choices and they've got to be ready.


Even if you are a fluid bonded pair, you’re using silicone toys that can be boiled, and you dedicate the pegging toys to your partner’s butt only, you may just want some condoms around. Nothing makes a toy easier to clean than just removing the condom. You’ll still want to wash the toy, but 90% of the body fluids will already be inside the rubber. If using a silicone dildo, make sure it’s an unlubricated condom, as the lubrication is often a lesser grade of silicone lubricant that can wreck even the nicest silicone toy.



All harnessed up and ready to begin, with towel, toys, and lube there at the bedside table, it’s time to talk and go fingers first. If they’ve never done this before, or you’ve never done this before, there may be some anxiety. Explain how you feel and touch each other. Give yourselves time to relax and laugh together.

Never has foreplay been so important than when the ass is involved. In order to enjoy anal sex we need to feel safe and to feel relaxed. Foreplay should be a mix of kissing and cuddling, talking dirty or sweetly, petting, spanking, nipping, stroking, licking, sucking, anything that you would normally do, with a few site specific bits worked in.

If you are doing the penetrating, it’s up to you to make sure your partner is safe and having a good time. That takes close communication, staying aware of how their body is tensed or relaxed, and letting them know what you’re going to do ahead of when you do it. There is a four letter word for sex that ends in /k/… talk.

I have two anal rules: You can never use too much lube, and always put your finger in first. Fingers are a great ambassador to a new sex situation, a test flight, an appetizer. They are small enough not to be scary, and they can inch their way into the passions of a partner’s ass. The slow sweet progression will also reassure your lover by showing how gentle and respectful you’ll be with that strap-on. You can also learn the curves of their rectum with your finger which will allow you to drive easier with your hardware.

In the Groove i.e. How to Move

Lubed up, you’ll want to slide your dildo in nice and slow. It’s very common that the receiver will feel burning at the beginning. This is the muscles stretching, just like when you stretch your hamstrings. Stop immediately if this occurs and stay still. Pulling the toy out will burn the muscle bands further. Within seconds of allowing for the stretch, the muscles will relax and they’ll be ready to begin again. This is the kind of thing you need to be talking about even while “doing it.”

Dancing can be like sex on a dance floor, but you don’t want to use your hips in a side to side motion when you’re driving a strap-on. In and out, back and forth motions, are perfect. Side to side - never.


Inevitably, in the heat of strap-on passion, there is going to be an incredibly awkward event. Most likely you’ll pull out too far with the dildo and not realize it isn’t in for 3 or more strokes; maybe the base of the toy will come out of the o-ring; leg cramp; buckle comes undone; the possibilities are endless, and they’ve all happened before. There is no reason to be embarrassed or upset. It’s just part of sex. Laugh about it and fix what you can so you can start up again.

Aftercare or Cuddling

Bending over is a very intimate experience. Your partner’s been vulnerable for you and there can be some very strong emotions around that; it can also be exhausting. Let your lover know just how amazing they are, and how hot you found them as you went into their hole. Hold them in bed and make sure they feel safe, then give yourself a pat on the back.
You did really well.


© Tantus, Inc. 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Metis Black is a Pleasure Revolutionary: the Founder and President of Tantus, Inc. The realization of her sex toy manufacturing company in 1997 helped to change the profile of sexuality products by mainstreaming silicone products and educating the industry on material safety and sexuality.

Metis' success has brought her accolades inside and outside of her industry. Her articles on material safety standards in sexual products and the chemistry of personal products such as lubricants have been widely published. Some of her publishing credits include American Journal of Sexuality Education, Good Vibrations Online Magazine, On Our Backs, Adult Novelty Business, XBiz, and The Free Speech Coalition. In 2015, she was also elected onto the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance's Board of Directors.

Over the last decade and a half, Metis has proven to be a champion for sex educators and a mentor to other small business owners.