Thoughts on Rope Bondage Perfection

Letting go of a tie looking a specific way allows a bondage rigger to experience more of their partner, more of the person they came to connect with and (dare I say) potentially love. You practice tension and making it look as neat and orderly as you can, but here is an insider’s secret… the aesthetics of knots aren’t as important as the emotional presence, directed attention and passion in who you are playing with. These are the things that will look like skill and perfection to others (hint-hint, that is how it works).

Deeper yet… attempting perfection is a form of suffering— because the idea of perfection blocks the experience of authentic, sensual flow. A sensual flow is a connection that goes both ways:  toward those we interact with and back into that part of ourselves that blossoms and expands in the presence of Dirty Bliss (that sacred, transcendent place we share with others).

Imagine a rigger who arrives at a play party with their partner in hand. The rigger is anxious to tie and show all that they have been practicing, and their partner is excited to be tied and experience this skill. The rigger finds a station at which they can tie, a St. Andrew’s cross, and begins to work. Before long their partner is bound to the cross, but the Karada they recently learned and tied across their partner’s torso is not looking like the one they had studied. It looks crooked to the rigger and so they untie it and have a second go. Their second attempt turns into a third and they start to become noticeably agitated. “Why can’t I get my Karada to look like the instructor’s looked?” the rigger grumbles under their breath as they undo their tie and have a fourth go at it. Their partner is growing bored and feeling ignored, and so speaks out, “It does not matter. Look at me, let’s just play.” But the rigger keeps tying, unable to stop their struggle for perfection, unable to redefine their efforts as practice, and in turn, are unable to connect with the person they had planned to play with. The rigger is fixated on perfection and for his fixation they are distant and their partner is growing increasingly more distant from them.

 The story of the obsessed rigger illustrates how perfection can become a source of suffering. Not pleasure based suffering. The mind based suffering one sets upon themselves.

Now, I get what you might be thinking, the abandonment of perfection seems like the ‘perfect’ recipe for poor skills. That such a person would then never reach an admired level of knowledge. As counter intuitive as this may seem, the opposite is true, but such knowledge can only be realized if you embrace the presence of the person you are tying and let go of perfection.

Like a sensual dinner date shared between two people (sometimes more), presence to those you are tying, savoring the ‘taste and flavor’ of your scene, is the core of what calls us back for more. If your sole focus is the perfection of your tie, you are missing the best moments of the ‘meal.’ And as the old saying goes, “No one attends dinner for a good shit.” Remember that one, it says so much more than its cleverness reveals. That is, the outcome of an experience is not as important as the process that got you there.

So I implore you, or at the least highly suggest, do your best not to judge the quality of your ties (or yourself) by your aesthetic preconceptions about the way something should look. Such ways of thinking are the thieves of joy. Life is too short for that shit (pun intended).

No one wants to return again be tied by a rope bondage rigger because of the way a tie looked. People return for the way something, or more specifically being with someone, feels. This is why it is sometimes difficult to see how or why a relationship works for other people, from a distance. You cannot see all the things understood between them. You cannot see why something feels so goddamn good!

Absorb what I am revealing. Become an "insider." Let go of obsessions with perfection. Taste the meal. Abandon preconceived aesthetic notions. Discover your sensual flow. Be patient, go slow, and always remember…it is not about tying rope, it is about tying people. People with feelings, people with hearts, people with flow. Be present to that reality, and your skills will grow.

© Tantus, Inc. 2020. All Rights Reserved. 

  One half of the rope bondage instruction duo, Two Knotty Boys, JD has been teaching interactive rope bondage and restraint workshops for nearly two decades. He’s co-authored, along with Dan of Two Knotty Boys, the bestselling books, Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes (2006) and Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes (2009). Since then, he and Dan have traveled around the world teaching their unique brand of fusion rope bondage.